Thoughts on Turning 50

I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am turning 50 on October 4, a process that has been helped along by my decision to finish some projects I'd started four years ago when I first moved here, and the entire interior of the house was what I would euphemistically call "salmon colored" (meaning that everything in it was a shade of pink; pink walls, pink carpets, fake brick linoleum, pink built ins, pink trim). As a birthday present to myself, I painted the master bedroom and hallway, moved the library into the guest room and the guest room into the library, moved the mess in the garage to the basement where I had more room to organize it, created more work space in the studio, and turned the apartment into a proper office.

I went through boxes of old letters, old papers, and old photographs as a result, and was flooded by a mix of emotions as I found pictures of old friends from my freshman year in college (who now have kids of their own in college) as well as the four years I spent living in Malibu where my neighbors included Robert Englund (Freddie, from Nightmare on Elm Street), Ray Abruzzo (Little Carmine, from The Sopranos) and Sherilyn Wolter (Celia Quartermaine on General Hospital), to a pile of faded snapshots and negatives given to me by my aunt after discovering at 39 that the man who raised me was not my biological father.

I found handwritten letters from Greer Garson, George Kennedy, Jane Goodall and Colin Powell as well as books signed by Viggo Mortensen, Alan Parker (he directed the original version of Fame) and Marc Lawrence (he was the pockmarked villain in Humphrey Bogart movies). I found the Emmy awards catalogue the year I attended the Emmy's with my friend, Sara; I found the style guide from the Lord of the Rings that I was given by the executive producer, Mark Ordesky, so I could create a gourd from the Lord of the Rings; the Two Towers for him; I found myself wondering why on earth I gave AWAY the autographed invitations I'd gotten to all three Lord of the Rings premieres and after parties, and laughed all over again at the night I went to the last premiere and found myself in the bathroom wrestling to get a hold of the bodysuit I was wearing after it shot up between my shoulder blades after I unsnapped it.... When I finally managed to wiggle it back down to where I could at least get my hands on it , I stretched the crotch out in front of me as far as I could to resnap it, then realized I didn't have my glasses on and couldn't see the hooks and eyes to save my soul....

I found the picture of Sam Elliott and I that a security guard took for me in the Rainbow Room after the premiere of the Golden Compass in New York. I've met Jane Goodall not once, but three times, and it still shocks me to this day that she called me one afternoon to buy a gourd from me for a good friend of hers for Christmas. I worked on a script with Catherine Hardwicke (she directed Twilight) that never went anywhere, rode in an elevator with Robert Wagner (who invited me to go to Switzerland to go skiing with his family - it was one of those offhanded invitations I always thought would have sent him into a complete panic had I actually shown up), asked Cameron Crowe out on a date (and was gently told that he was madly in love with Nancy Wilson, whom he later married), walked Michael York and his wife back to their hotel room one night after the Palm Springs Film Festival, talked to Julie Christie, Faye Dunaway and Lily Tomlin on the phone, had David Hockey explain to me how the old masters composed their paintings, and escorted Dustin Hoffman and Jon Voight to their seats at a tribute for John Schlesinger, who I was working for at the time. I was a "celebrity wrangler" for Jerry Weintraub, Michel Legrand and Robert Loggia at various industry functions, including one where I also met Red Buttons and Andy Garcia, and played wallflower with Bruce Davidson next to the caviar bar....

I remembered all the times when I pulled one of the bonehead moves I have become famous for, like the day I met with the other celebrity wranglers at the first Palm Springs Film Festival. We were instructed to introduce ourselves, and to say what we did for a living. I was second in line, so I said, "my name is Denise Meyers and I am an artist". A woman WAY up the line from me leans forward and says "Have you ever done the La Quinta Arts Festival?". I said "No, those stupid bastards won't let me in". She pauses for a moment, then says...."My name is Susan Francis and I am the HEAD of the La Quinta Arts Festival". Or how about the time, I borrowed Mark Ordesky's stretch limousine to take me back to the Motel Six where I was staying during one Lord of the Rings after party in Hollywood. And I STILL kick myself over the fact that I had a standing invitation to go to New Zealand any time I wanted to see the filming of the movie and I never went.

It hasn't all been fun and games though. There have been some really challenging moments over the last few years, but when I think about them now, I think about the fact that even the challenges have turned out to be gifts. Finding out at 39 that the man who raised you isn't your biological father and you were one of two people in your entire family who didn't know that could have been devastating, and, for a time - for a very long time, actually - it was. But I have also come to believe that it was an amazing gift, because it has allowed me to let go of a lot of the things that I used to define myself by. If I am not who I thought I was, then I can be who I really am, and that is a wonderful thing indeed.

My mother used to tell me that "no one will be there for you like your family, Denise. No one will love you as much as we do", but she neglected to add that sometimes, no one will hurt you, or use you, or damage you as much as your family will either. I get to chose my own family now, and as I made my way through the boxes of old pictures and other keepsakes, I realized that for my fiftieth birthday, I wanted to pay tribute to the people who helped me grow up, to become a better person, to reach for the stars, to stay grounded, to challenge myself, to nurture myself and to accept myself for who I am....there is no particular order to this list, just a group of people who I have had the privilege of loving. So if its true what the wizard said; that a heart is not judged by how much you have loved, but by how much you are loved by others, then I win on both counts....

I met Susanna Eggli at the Bodhi Tree a million years ago. She is a talented artist in her own right, and could probably give Tim Burton a run for his money in the creativity department. She is also one of the most trustworthy, loyal and devoted friends anyone could ever ask for. Randi Leader and I met at New World Cinema when we were "assistants" for a pair of TV producers. I like to say about the Leader girls that once you are lucky enough to become a part of the family, you are ALWAYS part of the family. We don't see each other often, but she makes an effort to make sure we stay in touch even when I don't.

I have been back in touch with several people I went to college with again this year, probably because we are all turning 50 this year and are all feeling nostalgic for the past. Don Robert, Heidi Ludders Jones, Jeff Strickler, John Jackimeic, Pam Marsh, Wayne Kearney; they made my freshman year in college one of the best years of my life, and the only one so far that I would do over again in a heartbeat, with the possible exception of this one. Years have gone by without talking to any of them, then Don, who is literally one of the busiest people in the world, takes time to write, and the next thing you know, we are all playing catch up, working on a reunion next year, and, in my case anyway, thinking about how important this particular group of people have always been to me. They were there when I took my first timid steps into the world as Denise Meyers, person, and thirty years later, they are still there, still in possession of the part of my soul that was just beginning to form into the person I am today.

I think of Sheri Greves Neilson, who called me every single day for months after I found out about my birth father, just to make sure I was okay, or Sergio Altieri, who called from Italy once a week to check in on me. I think of Steve Shapiro, who I met over the internet, who called from London just to let me bitch about my life when things were at their worst, or Janos, who was always so generous with me both financially and emotionally. I miss Annette Bishop and her family and loved being part of their lives. My friend, Lyn St Clair, who is not only an amazing artist (her work intimidates the hell out of me and always has) but an inspiration for the grace with which she has handled her own, very challenging life; Daniel McCullor, who is one of the funniest (and probably one of the smartest) people I have ever met; Rollande Poiret, an absolutely brilliant jewelry designer who is beautiful, warm, gracious, generous, and thoughtful...I want to BE Rollande when I grow up....Mary Johnston and her daughter Rowan, Melba Hinojosa, my friend, Susan (who has survived some challenges of her own and emerged a better person for it), Sarah Nichols, Sara Chesters, Elizabeth Connolley, Denise Carlson, Whitney Peckman...I have been blessed with so many incredible women friends...they have all contributed something precious and wonderful to my life and I cherish them all for it...

I have some amazing men friends as well....Paul Jackson, who always remembers to write on my birthday, Tom Tyler, who has been a generous and devoted friend, Michael Micotto, who taught me a great deal about what it means to BE a friend...

And then, of course, there's Michael Witt, a retired portrait photographer and glass artist I met at an art show in Colorado three years ago and have been with ever since. Michael and I have had a hard road at times, mostly of our own doing I might add, but we have made it through the fire and, for the first time in my life, I know what it means to love someone as they are, and to have them love me as I am, warts and all. I never really knew what that meant until I met him, and while its true that there have been times when I have wanted to strangle him with my bare hands, he is a wonderful, smart, complex, goofy, warm, funny, moody, intense, passionate, gifted man with a huge heart. I waited a long time for him. A million years, to be exact.

When I was twenty I remember looking out over what I wanted my life to be and thought, if God would just get out of my way, I could get this done in record time. I KNEW how to get what I wanted and I was ready to go about it with a vengeance. It hasn't turned out the way I would have planned it, but it has turned out far better than I had any right to expect. Thank you ALL for making that possible.

Reflections on Turning 50